The Empty Nest Takeaways

        REVIEW LOCATION:

Ashhurst

Store: The Empty Nest Takeaways, 107 Cambridge Ave.
Price: $6.80

Amount of chips:     3/5
Chip quality:        2/5
Size of fish:        3/5
Fish quality:        4/5

Total Score:         12

Well drained of oil?: Great job.
Satisfied?: Could definitely have eaten more food but maybe not this food.

Comments: 

I saw this shop as I was on my way to stay the night at my sister's house in Ashhurst. At a glance I thought it was called "The Empty Takeaways" which was funny but the actual name of the place makes just as much sense. What does a nest have to do with anything? Why does the fact that it's empty somehow link to Fish and Chips?

As I arrived the smell of garam masala met me up the street guiding me all the way to the register. To my surprise, this fish and chip shop also does takeaway Indian food. A combination I have yet to have seen until now.

The chips were a pretty big disappointment. Not only were they a low quantity, they were cooked in that way where all you're left with is the empty shell of a chip. I am thankful that they allowed them to drain of oil otherwise they would have been a very hard pass from me. Points also deducted for the bruised chip that also made their way into my small pile. Even my hot chip connoisseur nephew who was present only gave them a 4/10 I think.

The fish was nothing to get excited about. It was a slightly below average size piece of Rig. On a brighter note it was cooked half decent and didn't have any muddiness to it.

I get it, in the economic climate we're experiencing in New Zealand companies have to be adaptable and offer products that people want in order to stay afloat. Good on them for trying to hustle.

I hear their Indian menu is supposed to be pretty good though.

Kingfish Takeaways

       REVIEW LOCATION:

New Plymouth

Store: Kingfish Takeaways, 5/130 Carrington st.
Price: $7.30

Amount of chips:     5/5
Chip quality:        3/5
Size of fish:        4/5
Fish quality:        3/5

Total Score:         15

Well drained of oil?: No.
Satisfied?: Fitting in any more food wouldn't be a wise choice.

Comments: 

I was having a laugh about this road the other day. At some point it changes from Carrington St to Carrington Road. I don't know why or where the change occurs and I have just come to terms with the fact that most things road related in New Plymouth don't have to make any sense at all. It's like the city planner is just 2 kids piggybacking in a trench coat pretending to be a grown-up.

Our first choice for tonight's review was a place called Lobster Pot but it seems the phone number listed online has changed so we couldn't get through. Next choice was Kingfish and after placing the order the woman on the other end said that will be a 10 minute wait. I took that with the same grain of salt I had taken with other 10 minute waiters who had always grossly under estimated wait times. It's Friday night. She's dreaming.

I arrived 11 minutes after the call had ended, their blue and yellow signage welcoming me with the aesthetic of a plumbing shop. There it was - my order waiting in their pie warmer draw and the girl on the register had already rung it up. I can't have been in the store for more than half a minute. They were so efficient that I had no time to bask in the ambience. Walking back to the car I had no idea what Kingfish looked like inside and I thought to myself, "What just happened?".

As I ate the chips I started to figure out the secrets behind their 10 minute wait time. All of the puzzle pieces started to fall into place. The bubbly surface texture, the light colour grading, the lack of structural integrity. They had their fryer cranking on a high heat which they thought would cut down on development time so they could process their orders at a higher rate. The forgiving brand of chips they use gave them a little leeway as they are parboiled but this rushed approach left them undercooked and oily. I was also faced with having to eat a few bruised chips which is never a great time.

The fish was the old trick where you give the illusion of a big slice of fish but fillet it thinly. While this cut of Warehou itself tasted delicious, it too was also not given enough time to drip off excess oil.

They had all the right ingredients to be a very good shop, their flaws just lie in their want to offer very fast fast-food. A few minutes added to their wait time for the sake of more quality control is not going to bleed any customers but how thing are going I know I won't be back.

Frankleigh Takeaways

      REVIEW LOCATION:

New Plymouth

Store: Frankleigh Takeaways, 68A Govett Ave.
Price: $6.60

Amount of chips:     5/5
Chip quality:        5/5
Size of fish:        5/5
Fish quality:        5/5

Total Score:         20🎉

Well drained of oil?: Like a boss.
Satisfied?: I'm absolutely stuffed. I had a nap before writing this.

Comments: 

I became a dad 5 days ago so this review is dedicated to my new son Mohi. I was absolutely honoured to have him with me for his first Fish and Chips Friday out in this new strange world. He slept through the whole thing and he probably didn't really care but hopefully some day he will come to appreciate this fish and chip journey I've embarked on. Maybe he will figure out why I have chosen to write these reviews. Maybe he will even find some of this information useful. Maybe that was the reason all along, to pass on these snapshots through my timeline so the next generation can learn, adapt and improve the quality of fish and chips so that we may live in harmony in a reality where all chip shops are perfect 20 scores.

Frankleigh Takeaways was covered in black and white print outs of meal deals, special items and an announcement that dogs can't go inside the shop. My mind went to a place where they once had wayyy too many dogs in the store which made them resort to printing a sign.

The shop had a line out the door. All customers were quite a bit later in life with the youngest easily being in his 70s. This led me to believe that they would probably over season their chips so that any semblance of flavour may be able to reach the dimmed boomer flavour receptors of their clientele.

I was very wrong.

The Mr Chip's brand chips were lush and creamy. Not a bruised potato in sight. So moreish that if I had an endless supply, I would have a hard time knowing when to stop. Maybe I wouldn't stop.

The fish, a massive meaty cut of Warehou which tasted as fresh as an onshore breeze during spring. I think this was the best piece of Warehou I've had and the batter was fried at an optimum time and temperature. Absolute bliss.

Frankleigh Takeaways was well in the league of the perfect 20s at a price tag that will stop you from forgetting your roots (6.60). Quite frankly, it was delicious and my first review as a dad would not be complete if I hadn't used that terrible pun.

Rumpty's

         REVIEW LOCATION:

New Plymouth

Store: Rumpty's, 6 Huatoki St.
Price: $6.80

Amount of chips:     5/5
Chip quality:        5/5
Size of fish:        3/5
Fish quality:        3/5

Total Score:         16

Well drained of oil?: They did good.
Satisfied?: I had a light lunch and I was still bloated after this meal.

Comments: 

At this point it just kind of feels like fish and chips shop owners in Taranaki are taking the piss when it comes to naming these places. Rumpty's!? What sort of oil are these people frying?

The wackiness didn't end there - the interior design was like an architecture school text book thrown into a blender. Roman columns, vegas motel colour scheme, a castle/pizza oven style archway and an angular brick counter that extruded into the middle of the room with bank teller perspex screens and a pink formica bench top. The register LCD price screen reads "NOSALE" throughout the entire transaction. The menu board was an explosive clusterfuck of varying A4 papers and bits of tape which would take the better half of a day to navigate through to gain a full understanding of what they had on offer.

Their chips were a hearty batch of the local crowd pleasing Mr Chip's brand and they were cooked beautifully. Nice crunch on the exterior through to a creamy inner. Seasoned perfectly and not trying to reinvent the wheel, just keeping them tried and true which I can respect.

The fish was on the slightly disappointing side. For a town with a port you can easily be lead to believe that you're in for good sized fresh fish wherever you go. Sadly this isn't the reality most of the time. This fish was pretty thinly sliced and there were a few undesirable flavours which had me curious how long it had taken to get from sea to plate. At the very least the batter was quite tasty and cooked quite skillfully which showed the cook obviously did the best with what he had to work with.

Over all, I think this fuzzy 80s acid trip of a fish and chip shop is the place to visit if you have a hankering for a chip butty.

Lucky Horse Chinese Takeaways

        REVIEW LOCATION:

New Plymouth

Store: Lucky Horse Chinese Takeaways, 47 Tukapa St.
Price: $7.00

Amount of chips:     5/5
Chip quality:        5/5
Size of fish:        5/5
Fish quality:        4/5

Total Score:         19

Well drained of oil?: Very very.
Satisfied?: Very.

Comments: 

This street has three fish and chip shops within about a 100m radius. Pretty much all next to each other. Two of which I have reviewed in the past (Westown Fish Supplies & Flying Dragon Takeaways) and they hadn't really measured up. They were both powerfully average and forgettable which was strange considering how much competition they have nearby. With that in mind, I had a quick glance of their google review ratings and found Lucky Horse had the lowest rating of the three which didn't give me much hope. I chose to take one for the team and review this shop on my own in fear of it being a complete failure. Boy was I in for a big surprise!

The chips had the perfect creamy mouth feel with an array of crunchy bits hidden underneath. They were that scoop that make you rock back and forth in time to a beat that isn't there while you eat them.

To put things into perspective, that fish was about the size of my entire face. It was a delicious cut of Warehou with a meaty texture similar to a chicken breast. The only thing letting it down was that the batter was ever so slightly under cooked. Had it been given a bit more time to develop this meal would have shined with the best of the best but it's miles ahead of it's close competitors.

The Chinese fast food area of the store was absolutely humming and seems to be their focus. It was like one of those NZ Chinese Fish and chip shops you've seen a million times before but they've really polished the concept. Like a chain with only one store or a parody of itself. Topped off with a set of fake brown leather staff room chairs in the waiting area.